I haven't written anything in a while, and I think it's time to start up again. I think it will be helpful. Right now things just aren't working out according to plan. For those of you who don't know, I'm not going to Fuller. It was all working out until these past couple of weeks. I was getting sick (tired and no appetite) The problem was I wasn't exercising. Mom and Dad mentioned to me that it might not be a great idea to go to Fuller right now. I also to need to pay off my loans. I don't feel funny, as in humerus. As in I don't feel like a funny person. Being hilarious is part of who I am. I need someone around to laugh at what I say. (I know I know, It's not all about me. Maybe I'll get a doll to laugh at me) I don't feel happy a lot like I used too. It's really difficult not having a job. I feel like I don't have any friends. I know that I do have friends, but I think the fact that they are all far away is what is killing me.
The main thing here is because I'm not as close to God right now and need to get close to him. Another thing is I want to be apart of what God is doing is other countries. I feel like I'm just doing nothing when I want to be doing something for God. I want my turn already! I want to go and do. I feel ready to go somewhere for a long period of time. (year) That's my head. I want to be ready for what length of time God has for me. I want and need to be ready with what God wants. I want to make a difference in the world.
I need Jesus right now. And I need to pick myself up off the ground, dust off my hands and stand up. I need to start trekking up the mountain side so I can get myself out of this valley. I want to continually be climbing upward.
TV is off.
Casting Crowns is playing.
Please pray for me.
"Living on my own
Thinking for myself
Castles in the sand
Temporary wealth
Walls are falling down
Storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes
Here I am again
And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand
Daddy here I am again
Will you take me back tonight?
I went out and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I dragged your name back through the mud
That you first found me in
Not worthy to be called your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy here I am
Here I am
Curse this morning sun,
Drags me into one more day
Of reaping what I've sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince
The next day you're a slave
And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand
Daddy here I am again
Will you take me back tonight?
I went out and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I dragged your name back through the mud
That you first found me in
Not worthy to be called your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy here I am
Here I am
And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand"
Casting Crowns- Lifesong- Prodigal
1 comment:
So I have always known you and me are quite alike. We seem to have sort of the same personality and the same passion towards changing the world. I learned that one, the night we sung our lungs out to make a difference for children we have never met. So if anyone can say I know exactly what you are feeling that would be me. Just like you I thrive on other people. I mean you are the only other person then my brothers that I almost cant calm myself down around, because we just play off of each others excitement. I love that, and I know the feeling when you dont have that around anymore. So not only do I know how you are feeling not being yourself, but I also know waiting for God. Once I dropped out of college for two years straight I was going crazy waiting for God to let me go somewhere. I tried everything I could think of. almost every single night i would cry my eyes out just shouting "LORD LET ME GO, I AM READY LET ME GO!" but still I waited and nothing happened. Sorry if that depresses you. But nothing happened until I totally gave EVERYTHING to God. I mean everything, until I said completely I would do anything he wanted me to do. Even if that mean not going out of the country. Which for me was like the worst thing ever he could do to me. ha ha. You know the ending so I wont announce that to you, but I want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. You are in a stinkin' hard place, and I will be there once again as soon as I get home. But I am praying for you friend, and if you EVER need someone to talk to I am always open. I love you friend and can not wait to see you!!!!
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